It is easier to go to war without feelings: soldiers’ stories of love and relationships at the front

Are such concepts as "war" and "love" compatible at all? Because it seems like war is all about death, while love, on the contrary, is about life.  Nevertheless, regardless of the challenges Ukrainians, including soldiers, have gone through, they have not stopped being human, that is, they have not lost their ability to love. 

But how does personal life affect the emotional state of soldiers? How hard is it to maintain relationships or start new ones when you are in a combat action zone?   Ukrainska Pravda.Zhyttia spoke with the soldiers, this time not about the situation at the front but about personal things - love and relationships. 

Oleksii Skyrtach: "It is easier for me to go to war without love"

Oleksii Skyrtach comes from Luhansk. He is a military psychologist who has taken part in combat since 2014. Oleksii is an avid bachelor; he does not have a wife or a consistent partner.

However, he likes getting to know new people very much and has a few girlfriends who, according to him, know that "monogamy is not for him" and are not offended. Oleksii does not want to risk creating serious relationships during active hostilities. He says he does not want to get truly attached, despite adoring to fall in love in civilian life even if it is unrequited. 

Oleksii Skyrtach comes from Luhansk. He is a military psychologist who has taken part in combat since 2014

"Sometimes I want to really fall in love but I am afraid. I had such an experience once. I am at war, far away, sitting there and looking at her photos on Instagram, where she is looking so beautiful while out on the town.

Then you get jealous and want to be near her but you can't. So, it is easier for me to go to war without feelings," Oleksii said.  New acquaintances with girls on social media and special websites, texting and flirting with them help Oleksii during the war.

However, he tries not to text those whom he really likes a lot.  "It is hard. You text, and she either doesn't reply or says that something was wrong.

And you perceive everything differently while in a trench or a dugout," Oleksii said. 

Oleksii does not risk creating serious relationships during the war

Oleksii has also recounted one time when some woman was texting him while he was at the front in Bakhmut, saying how much she loved him, how he was the best man and how she couldn't wait for him to return home. And when he came back, she would not even meet him saying that she was not very sober when she wrote all that.  Oleksii Skyrtach believes that the way women treat service members has changed since 2014. 

"During the ATO, whenever you were in uniform, women would smile at you. I liked going places in my uniform back then a lot, I met a lot of people. Then, everything changed, particularly because of instances where some of our soldiers were drunk and did not behave correctly.

So, a stereotype developed of soldiers typically being unstable," Oleksii said. [The ATO or Anti-Terrorist Operation is a term used from 2014 to 2018 by the media, the government of Ukraine and the OSCE to identify combat actions in parts of Donetsk and Luhansk oblasts against Russian military forces and pro-Russian separatists - ed.]. Oleksii noted that he stopped telling people on dating websites that he was a soldier and posting photos in uniform altogether in 2015. However, after 24 February 2022, military men started being popular among women again. 

He says that his brothers-in-arms often turn to him with their personal life matters, since he is a psychologist. He is also aware of several instances where partners' cheating became a reason for suicide.  "I am working as a listener.

My task is to take negativity away from my guys like a sponge. There was a suicide, a fatal case, when a soldier found out that his wife had cheated on him with his own brother. He went and shot himself. 

It is obvious that when a man is not around for a long time, a woman gets used to it; she also wants love. And when there is war, especially if you love a person a lot, you get nervous and you worry. Guys come to me very often with a request along the lines of: I have a beautiful wife, and I am here stirring mud, while she is probably somewhere with someone else?

Guys really suffer," Oleksii recollected.  Nonetheless, Oleksii also knows of happy love stories from the war. He said that a lot of soldiers married girls from Donetsk Oblast, where they served. 

"If I met the one, I would marry her without waiting till the end of the war"

"Our guys have married nearly all the girls near Volnovakha.

There were 14 weddings in one brigade alone in one year from 2015 to 2016. Usually, families are happy, they have children. And now guys are fighting again while their wives are waiting," Oleksii added. 

Oleksii himself does not rule out that he is, in fact, capable of falling in love during the war. If he met the one, he would marry her without waiting till the end of the war, because he is really tired and wants a family, and his parents dream of grandchildren. 

Oleksandr: "I don't think a girl from the Internet will wait for me for several years" Soldier Oleksandr is also from Luhansk Oblast, and his hometown is currently occupied by the Russians.

He is fighting on the Avdiivka front. Before the full-scale war started, Oleksandr got divorced. While at war, he also chats with girls online without serious intentions.

"I chat with old friends, and there is also a new one. But for some reason, I don't think it's serious. Firstly, I don't know where I'm going to live after the victory, in which city.

Secondly, I don't even know when I will be discharged from the army," he says. Oleksandr believes that romantic relationships over the Internet are unpromising. "I don't think any online affair can make a girl wait for some online friend for several years," Oleksandr says.

Iryna Tsybukh: "You have to survive in war, and love comes after the victory"

Paramedic Iryna Tsybukh believes that love can happen anywhere: in a coffee shop in Lviv or on the front line near Donetsk. However, for her, the war is not the place where she wants to allow herself to be in love. Nevertheless, Iryna had such an experience in 2016.

All that remains as a memory of her passionate love is her call sign, Cheka (Pin).

Paramedic Iryna Tsybukh believes that love can happen anywhere

"In my eyes, he was like a superhero: a scout who often performed sniper missions. He became my main reason for training and preparing for the war, and I wanted him to be proud of me above all else," Iryna recalls. One day, her lover gave her a bracelet made of grenade pins and hung one around her neck.

Iryna lost her boyfriend and friends during the war

"He took off these pins while placing tripwires, which, I hope, took more than one life of the occupier.

Since then, I've been wearing his pin around my neck, and my fellow soldiers had a hard time with my overly romanticised love, so they trolled me and started calling me Cheka," says Iryna. Now Iryna has been Cheka for seven years, and her passionate love has passed. Since then, she lived for three years with another guy who was killed in the war.

Her best friends were also killed in battles. So, Iryna is not ready for a new relationship before the victory.

"During this war, I did not manage to find a place for new love"

"During this war, I did not manage to find a place for new love. I think that war is a crisis that would have ended new relationships.

So here, at these positions, I set my boundaries quite clearly and want everyone to see me as a fellow sister and understand that my starting point for love will be after the end of the war, because we still need to survive," Iryna says.

Serhii Bratasiuk: married a woman 33 years younger during the war The story of Serhii Bratasiuk, a soldier from Zakarpattia, is a vivid example of unexpected twists and turns of fate.

In 2014-2015, Serhii served in the Ukraine's Armed Forces during the hostilities in Donetsk and Luhansk oblasts against Russian military and pro-russian Separatists. His wife did not support his choice

In 2014-2015, Serhii served in the Ukraine's Armed Forces during the hostilities in Donetsk and Luhansk oblasts against Russian military and pro-russian separatists.

His then wife did not support his choice, and their marriage fell apart. After his demobilisation, Serhii participated in the restoration of the ancient Castle of St. Miklos in Zakarpattia, which is called the castle of love according to a legend.

He settled in a former barracks, painted and took pictures. In the castle, he met Anna, who worked as a tour guide.

In the castle, Serhii met Anna, who worked as a tour guide

At first, a friendship sparked between the two, which later took a romantic turn. However, Serhii was not sure if marriage was on the cards, because Ania [short for Anna] was 33 years younger than him.

"For me, family means big responsibility. We have been thinking about it for three years. She was in favour of marriage, but I was holding her back.

However, the war prompted me to make an important decision: we must live for today," Serhii says. Serhii left for the front on the second day of the full-scale war. And on 13 December 2022, the commander of Serhii's unit married the couple.

From Zakarpattia, Ania travelled to her groom in a liberated settlement in Kharkiv Oblast, a few kilometres from the front line.

Commander of Serhii's unit married the couple on 13 December 2022

The couple ordered embroidered shirts [traditional Ukrainian garment -ed.] for their wedding. Serhii had a special one made - green with a pixel pattern.

From Zakarpattia, Ania travelled to her groom in a liberated settlement in Kharkiv Oblast

Nowadays, Serhii has a lot of plans for after the victory. He wants to finish the restoration of another room in the castle, to restore the fireplace and the knight's hall.

Also, the couple plans to have a church wedding ceremony, have a baby and settle into their home. In addition to his new wife, four sons, one of them who is still a minor, and four grandchildren are waiting for Serhii's return from the frontline.

Serhii and Ania: "Life should not be put off for later"

"We were able to learn more in a short time  [since the beginning of the full-scale invasion] than during our three year relationship. We realised how much we love each other, support, respect and appreciate the time spent together.

At the same time, we understood that we cannot postpone life 'for later'," Serhii's wife Ania says.

Yuliia Matviienko: "He searched for frozen potatoes and coffee for me, and also carried my rifle" Yuliia Matviienko, Zaporizhzhia resident, who received the call sign Bilka (Squirrel) during the war, was volunteering in 2014. She had a husband and two children.

Yuliia says that the couple had not been in love for a long time, rather, they were maintaining a friendly relationship for the sake of the children.

"Due to PTSD, I joined the army following my volunteering"

In 2015, Yuliia realised that she was very tired of volunteering and decided to go to war. This decision did not come easy. "As a volunteer, I was engaged in searching for the dead.

Sometimes the boys were found in pieces. Due to PTSD, I joined the army following my volunteering. Charity fairs and buying thermal cameras did not cut it for me anymore.

I chose the profession of a sniper to kill and stop the enemy. I would not have joined the war as a cook or as a medic. I wouldn't have left my children for those roles.

It was important for me to be making the first shot," Yuliia says. Yuliia's husband went to war with her, and the children stayed with their grandmother. The husband became a communications technician.

She performed combat duties, and he was at the headquarters. During the war, the couple finally understood that their marriage had no future.

Yuliia opposed love during the war, believing it to be unnecessary and interfering with combat duty.

"War does not only unite, but it does the opposite too, it changes your values. Perhaps, during peacetime, you would have lived with this person in marriage for the rest of your life and would not think twice.

But when you find yourself in circumstances in which you can be torn to pieces at any point, a desire emerges for there to be someone who would sincerely cry at your grave. I want something true and honest. You start thinking that it is better to be alone than to pretend to be a wonderful family for the sake of the children.

I let my husband go, I gave him the opportunity to be happy with someone else," Yuliia recalls. Soon Yuliia's ex-husband remarried -- a woman from Mariupol, and now he is in the occupied city. Yuliia was in the war zone from 2015 to 2020.

She says that she refused to fall in love during the war, believing it to be unnecessary and a hindrance to effectively serving in  combat. In 2018, Yuliia met a fellow sniper, Artur. Colleagues talked about calibres and cartridges, and soon Arthur decided to transfer to the unit where Yuliia served.

"I really needed a partner. So he came; he was accepted into our unit. At the first meeting, he came up and hugged me in front of everyone, in front of the commander, saying: 'This is my Bilka, she will be mine!'.

The entire unit knew that Bilka was not the person to joke around with about all this stuff. Even if you hint at the fact that she is a girl, you will get hurt. They told him: "Are you a fool?

It's Bilka! She'll shoot you!" - says Yuliia. However, Artur turned out to be stubborn and took care of Yuliia on every mission.

He carried her rifle, found frozen potatoes and coffee for her in the morning after spending the night in the trenches, built a fire and covered her with jackets. Once Artur took Yuliia on his shoulder and carried her across a puddle in front of her brothers. Yuliia argued, protested, but he did not give up.

"In the beginning he really irritated me with that care of his, but we worked harmoniously. Even our first combat mission was comfortable; it was as if he read my thoughts. He behaved as if we had been together for 10 years," says Yuliia.

Tragic events of the war prompted Yuliia to finally say "yes" to Artur: her sisters in arms were killed; the death of one of them really knocked her off her game. It was after this that Yuliia and Artur started dating. "After that, I wanted to feel alive.

Maybe if someone needs me, and I didn't die, then I probably have the right to be happy. I chased this guy away as hard as I could, but I couldn't drive him away. He saw me both horrid-looking and dirty, only God knows where we had been and had done.

Apparently, he really loves me, and I can't live without him, I can't imagine my life without him. And I also love him very much," says Yuliia. Yuliia found out about her pregnancy while on vacation in her native Zaporizhzhia.

And soon the couple discovered that they will have twins. Yuliia had to leave the frontline. Artur was very happy with the news about his beloved's pregnancy.

They got married in Khortytsia, having arranged a wedding according to pagan traditions. 

Yuliia and Artur

A few months before the full-scale invasion, Artur arrived in Zaporizhzhia, where he was met by his wife and four children. Yuliia's children from her first marriage accepted and loved Artur. When the full-scale invasion started, both of them went to the front again, leaving the children with their grandmother.

On 17 March, 2022, the couple's younger children - a boy and a girl - turned two years old. Yuliia remembers how she called her mother from the frontline to find out how the children were.

They got married in Khortytsia, having arranged a wedding according to pagan traditions

"I was told that my younger daughter said the word "mom" for the first time. Not to me, however, but to another red-haired woman who was helping my mother with the children.

It was very difficult for me to hear that," says Yuliia. However, a month later Yuliia returned to her children. Her husband persuaded Yuliia to stay at home.

"If we are killed by a mine in the same trench, then what will happen to our children? We decided that one of us should stay home with the children. I am at home, and he is still fighting.

I have the children, and he has his comrades. He is now earning medals, working miracles. And I worry about him," she says.

"We decided that one of us should stay home with the children"

Yuliia says that she does not know how much longer she can endure, and there are moments when she calls her husband and says: "I am going to the front." But on the other hand, she agrees with her husband's decision, because she understands that if close people serve together, they will only think about each other, and not about their duty.

How war affects relationships, and why a fighter can commit suicide after adultery

Psychologist, a member of the Military Psychology division of the National Psychological Association Artem Osypian explains why a person who is at war reacts more painfully to problems in their personal life than in peacetime. He believes that not every fighter is ready to concentrate only on war. "For most, it is civil life that remains the mainstay, respectively, family, friends, and relatives.

After all, most of the armed forces are people who did not plan to connect their lives with the army," he says.

Artem Osypian: " I loved my wife even more thanks to the war"

According to him, the fatigue and stress that accompany those who serve make them vulnerable. Support from partners is extremely important, although it is not always clear what exactly it should be at a distance and in conditions of uncertainty. "Both the military and those who are waiting for them are getting tired.

This is a vulnerable period for everyone, during which it is easy to quarrel, to distance yourself from each other. No matter what the distance between people is, it is important to remember common values, and what united you - do not forget about it and cherish the small crumbs of connection that remain. I loved my wife even more because of the war," he says.

Yaroslav Halas, an officer of the 128th Mountain Assault Brigade, believes that war changes people, soldiers begin to look at the world in black and white, not noticing the shades of grey. "For many, there is only good or only bad. Prolonged separation and long distances do not always contribute to strengthening feelings that have arisen in peaceful life.

In our division, there have already been several cases of broken relationships that were previously considered strong and reliable. And not every fighter experiences them easily. I know that in other units numerous suicides have occurred because of that," says Yaroslav.

Yaroslav Halas: "War changes people, fighters start looking at the world in black and white"

Is there a future for relationships in war and do fighters need love

Artem Osypian believes that relationships that have arisen in the war are very often spontaneous, and partners do not have the opportunity to get to know each other. "Such relationships are frequently formed through the very context of military romance, expectations and sadness. But when the relationship goes into 'routine' mode, when you are in civilian life and see each other every day, there is no more romantic expectation," says Artem.

On the other hand, relations that have passed all the obstacles and difficulties in war conditions can potentially overcome the obstacles of peaceful life. "The key difficulty of relationships that appeared during the war is the war itself. Which gives a sense of uniqueness and 'sharpness' to emotions.

When the war ends, this sharpness and sense of uniqueness are no longer there, so the most important thing is to find new supports for relationships, to explore common values. But, I will say again, the stories are different, and anything is possible," notes Osypian. However, according to psychologists, love during war is not a matter of choice, but a need that does not disappear due to combat.

"On the contrary, when you risk your life, are in isolation and are in a certain asceticism - you want someone who is waiting for you and who loves you even more. Therefore, in my subjective opinion, it is worthwhile and necessary to form relationships during the war. Another thing is how to properly and intelligently develop and maintain them.

It's not easy. But those who are still alive must continue to live. And that means falling in love, loving, and making friends," summarises Artem.

Yana Osadcha, "UP. Zhyttia" Translation: Myroslava Zavadska, Yuliia Kravchenko, Oxana Hart, Anton Strii, Theodore Holmes

Editing: Dasha Narog

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